A Hundred Tries with More to Come

Welcome back to all my wonderful readers and a hello to my new ones! I’m so happy to virtually see you all. ❤️

It is almost comical how tried and true methods for anything can work so seamlessly for some but so completely and entirely not work for other people.

I feel like one of the “other people“.

Truth is I’ve been feeling a bit lack luster. Deprived of creative thoughts, motivation, or a desire to overcome the challenges in my personal life.

I’ve tried self-help books, meditation, yoga, planning ahead, not planning ahead, setting routine after routine. I feel like I’ve tried it all only to still feel like I’m covered in dust. Like a forgotten antique sitting on an ocean floor somewhere watching boats pass above me.

My favorite phrase happened at lot at 4AM this morning when I found myself awake and unable to sleep: Self-reflection!

This underwater feeling has led to a lot of anger, irritation, and sadness on my part. A lot of pity parties, too. Why can’t I just easily feel happy and calm all the time? Why is it so damn hard to just exist in peace? As you probably guessed, that didn’t help me one bit.

I had jumped off the self-improvement bus and landed right on the boat of self destruction and despair. This is a big reason why my blogging presence has become so unpredictable and erratic.

Well, in the dark hours of the morning I sat down and asked some productive but hard questions. I didn’t find all my answers but I found some. Some important ones even.

Why is anger becoming such a constant in my daily range of emotions?

You see, anger is a secondary feeling. This basically means psychologically anger is the byproduct of a deeper more profound feeling. Resolving anger means you have to identify, acknowledge, and deal with that primary emotion and the cause of it. This makes coping with anger endlessly aggravating when it becomes a problem.

It is maddening because it is a slow process and is usually quite uncomfortable. It’s a lot more comfortable than being a borderline psychotic angry mess all the time but still discomfort is not something I enjoy jumping into head first. Does anyone?

The bottom line is I feel inadequate. I can’t live up to the impossible standards I set for myself as a person, professional, mother, friend, or spouse. In reality, I’m not inadequate. As strange as it sounds I know that I just don’t believe it. Not sure how that works yet but that’s what’s in my head.

Here’s infuriating factor number two. I could be wrong. Of course, facing and absolving my constant depreciation of myself is a good thing regardless of its connection to my anger issues. However, I’ve been down this road before where I think I found the cause, work my ass off to improve, and find myself still angry… The only option is to restart the process from step 1. I hate being wrong. It makes me feel inadequate. Do you see the deadly pattern of false logic I’ve set myself up with here?

I honestly don’t know for sure how to go about breaking it. I won’t stop trying though. I’ll be honest I’m most likely going to fall off the bus again at some point if it gets too rough. I promise though that I’ll get back on and try again until I beat this mean ol’ monster festering in my brain goop.

If you’ve read this far, and honestly thank you if you have, you’re probably wondering by now what in the world am I posting this for the whole internet to see?!

Well, for one accountability. I need to build self-discipline and accountability to beat this. I can’t do that alone I’ve found out. As the internet is good for everything I’m using it as a personal accounting mechanism. I plan to post here daily hopefully about my struggle, my attempts at fixing it, and some common themes I find along the way!

I’ll still sprinkle in creative writing, painting, and other Knick knack posts constantly but for the foreseeable future my blog is my lifeline for this internal project!

As with any project, I need goals! Smart goals. Realistic but challenging ones to push me. Ones that can inspire without overwhelming.

Well, just thinking about crafting such specified and eloquent goals is terrifying because once again I find myself trying to cram too much into too few hours.

Since I know I’m a perfectionist and an overachiever I’m going to purposefully be vague. I’m going to give myself some wiggle room and allow this to be a more intuitive process instead of the rigid scheduled event I oh so want to force it to be.

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

I’ve always planned strenuously and I’ve never successfully overcome this issue despite 3 years of on again off again attempts.

Here’s to a new way to try.

Goal(s) – Spend the next week tackling obvious triggers. Count to 10 when I feel myself losing control. Ask myself “why” when I get too worked up and journal my honest answers.

There is one specific goal I need. Do my best to post daily. Be honest and genuine in these posts. Allow myself to be vulnerable and grow from that experience.

To each and everyone of you undertaking this journey with me, thank you! Truly. It’s going to be an experience for sure!

I’d love to hear about your own experiences facing difficult situations like anger or anxiety! How did you cope? What worked and what didn’t?

Happy Monday!

13 thoughts on “A Hundred Tries with More to Come

  1. You put it so beautifully. This is exactly what i like about WordPress. It is not just all fun and glamor, we have to ability to expresses deeper thoughts like this. This post comes at a very good time and i am sort of feeling the same way. Depleted of energy and tired. Also, been very busy lately, a lot going on. I am going to try Self – Reflection today and make time for it. Thanks for writing this and confirming that things aren’t always gonna be good.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree entirely. It’s easy to write the happy ending posts but sometimes it’s more cathartic to let the world know that life isn’t always happy and sunshine. I am glad this post met you at an important moment! I hope your own self reflection is a good one!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. As of right now, I am stuck in a not-so-constructive phase. Here is to hoping i get out of it soon. It sure doesn’t help to be doing that but at the same time, I feel like it is necessary to get over it?

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel exactly where you are. Goals are critical and I’m not setting mine either…hopefully we can see these posts and be accountable for keeping up on them. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have fortunately lived a life generally free of major concern, but over the past few years have noticed bouts with anxiety are becoming more recurrent. Especially in those wee hours of the morning, when the room is dark and my mind is at its most vulnerable.

    Is it because I’m getting older, and am more aware of mortality? Or is that fear the symptom of a greater concern? I have the responsibility of being a (hopefully) good parent. That is definitely something new. Talk about accountability. Neither one of those dingbats have a care in the world, but I more than make up for it. (I will remind them of this fact many years from now. And laugh while they do the same when their own dingbats are born.)

    What I’ve found so far is that anxious moments seem to come when I’m not doing what I know I’m supposed to. Pay a bill, make progress on a project, return a call from a friend. I think they add up, and the longer I wait the tighter it holds.

    The good news is the problem is easily rectified. Make a list, knock it out one at a time. There’s a sense of accomplishment, something which certainly helps, and also helps visualize the problem. The scary monster hiding in a dark corner isn’t nearly as terrifying when you turn the lights on.

    That list is how I make goals. And hold myself accountable. The cool thing is, any accomplishment has a positive effect on the psyche, no matter how insignificant it may be to the big picture. Dopamine, endorphins, and whatever other magic happy brain chemicals are released without regard to the overall significance of the event. (My wife insists the same happens when you work out, but I have yet to test the theory.)

    I look forward to keeping up with your posts and see how you resolve things. I know this – there hasn’t been one “bad” period of my life that I looked back on later and entirely regretted. We always seem to bounce back as people. And that means there’s always room for hope

    Good luck and go get ‘em!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is an excellent point I actually gave some thought to after my post yesterday that dodged to-dos are a huge source of my anxiety. I get overwhelmed by a task, avoid it, then get a huge flood anxiety as that avoided list grows. Avoidance is a normal coping mechanism but is a hard habit to break.

      I like the idea to use it to create a goal list a lot! I’ve never been good at creating manageable to-do lists. I always overload them. It’s a skill I need to learn and improve on.

      Parenting is definitely the ultimate accountability! What you said about worrying more than enough for our little ones really rings true for me! My daughter couldn’t care less about what’s going on as long as she has a fruit snack, sippy, and bubbles to play with lol! Also, you affectionately deeming then dingbats is both amazing and hilarious. I often refer to mine as hurricanes and heathens lovingly but not everyone appreciates or understands that it is not an insult in the slightest! (I mean, she ate a spoonful of just mustard yesterday but spit out her actual food. I think that qualifies as heathen lol!)

      Thank you for such a thoughtful and well worded response! I really appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

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