Welcome back to all my wonderful readers and a hello to my new ones! I’m so happy to virtually see you all. ❤️
It is almost comical how tried and true methods for anything can work so seamlessly for some but so completely and entirely not work for other people.
I feel like one of the “other people“.
Truth is I’ve been feeling a bit lack luster. Deprived of creative thoughts, motivation, or a desire to overcome the challenges in my personal life.
I’ve tried self-help books, meditation, yoga, planning ahead, not planning ahead, setting routine after routine. I feel like I’ve tried it all only to still feel like I’m covered in dust. Like a forgotten antique sitting on an ocean floor somewhere watching boats pass above me.
My favorite phrase happened at lot at 4AM this morning when I found myself awake and unable to sleep: Self-reflection!
This underwater feeling has led to a lot of anger, irritation, and sadness on my part. A lot of pity parties, too. Why can’t I just easily feel happy and calm all the time? Why is it so damn hard to just exist in peace? As you probably guessed, that didn’t help me one bit.
I had jumped off the self-improvement bus and landed right on the boat of self destruction and despair. This is a big reason why my blogging presence has become so unpredictable and erratic.
Well, in the dark hours of the morning I sat down and asked some productive but hard questions. I didn’t find all my answers but I found some. Some important ones even.
Why is anger becoming such a constant in my daily range of emotions?
You see, anger is a secondary feeling. This basically means psychologically anger is the byproduct of a deeper more profound feeling. Resolving anger means you have to identify, acknowledge, and deal with that primary emotion and the cause of it. This makes coping with anger endlessly aggravating when it becomes a problem.
It is maddening because it is a slow process and is usually quite uncomfortable. It’s a lot more comfortable than being a borderline psychotic angry mess all the time but still discomfort is not something I enjoy jumping into head first. Does anyone?
The bottom line is I feel inadequate. I can’t live up to the impossible standards I set for myself as a person, professional, mother, friend, or spouse. In reality, I’m not inadequate. As strange as it sounds I know that I just don’t believe it. Not sure how that works yet but that’s what’s in my head.
Here’s infuriating factor number two. I could be wrong. Of course, facing and absolving my constant depreciation of myself is a good thing regardless of its connection to my anger issues. However, I’ve been down this road before where I think I found the cause, work my ass off to improve, and find myself still angry… The only option is to restart the process from step 1. I hate being wrong. It makes me feel inadequate. Do you see the deadly pattern of false logic I’ve set myself up with here?
I honestly don’t know for sure how to go about breaking it. I won’t stop trying though. I’ll be honest I’m most likely going to fall off the bus again at some point if it gets too rough. I promise though that I’ll get back on and try again until I beat this mean ol’ monster festering in my brain goop.
If you’ve read this far, and honestly thank you if you have, you’re probably wondering by now what in the world am I posting this for the whole internet to see?!
Well, for one accountability. I need to build self-discipline and accountability to beat this. I can’t do that alone I’ve found out. As the internet is good for everything I’m using it as a personal accounting mechanism. I plan to post here daily hopefully about my struggle, my attempts at fixing it, and some common themes I find along the way!
I’ll still sprinkle in creative writing, painting, and other Knick knack posts constantly but for the foreseeable future my blog is my lifeline for this internal project!
As with any project, I need goals! Smart goals. Realistic but challenging ones to push me. Ones that can inspire without overwhelming.
Well, just thinking about crafting such specified and eloquent goals is terrifying because once again I find myself trying to cram too much into too few hours.
Since I know I’m a perfectionist and an overachiever I’m going to purposefully be vague. I’m going to give myself some wiggle room and allow this to be a more intuitive process instead of the rigid scheduled event I oh so want to force it to be.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.
I’ve always planned strenuously and I’ve never successfully overcome this issue despite 3 years of on again off again attempts.
Here’s to a new way to try.
Goal(s) – Spend the next week tackling obvious triggers. Count to 10 when I feel myself losing control. Ask myself “why” when I get too worked up and journal my honest answers.
There is one specific goal I need. Do my best to post daily. Be honest and genuine in these posts. Allow myself to be vulnerable and grow from that experience.
To each and everyone of you undertaking this journey with me, thank you! Truly. It’s going to be an experience for sure!
I’d love to hear about your own experiences facing difficult situations like anger or anxiety! How did you cope? What worked and what didn’t?