Red Clouds in the Morning

Letter #1: Continuation of The Past Persists: Forgiving

_____________________________________________

Dear Red,

You stormed into my life at the worst possible time and that had some sway in how our friendship dissolved and eventually exploded into flames. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing each time we interacted. I was a wreck. I was homeless in the sense that everywhere I had to go wasn’t truly mine, I went through a medical emergency which in turn led to failed classes, and I had just broken up from a long term relationship.

These aren’t excuses. I know I could have been a better friend, a better person looking back now. You could have, too. You are naturally intense, assertive, and commanding. All strong traits to possess especially as a woman and Mom. I’m the polar opposite. To me, you felt abrasive and harsh. In some cases, I still think you were just mean. You saw my personality as weak and told me as much more than once. I believed you, too. I know now neither of us are weak. Our strengths show differently.

Forgiving you isn’t easy and some days I still feel like it’s impossible. You broke me down, made me feel like a waste of resources, and used words to rip me to ribbons. I would love to think you were trying to “toughen me up” like some kind of big sister. I think you just didn’t like me in all honesty. Maybe you liked me at first but if so it didn’t last long.

What was worse is eventually you stopped degrading and berating me. You stopped talking to me at all. For some inexplicable reason that hurt far more than the words you so venomously shot at me for so long. I understood that to you, I wasn’t even worth the energy required to acknowledge. I wanted your acceptance and your approval so badly.

I realize today, four years later, that nothing I could have done would have made you like me or approve of me. Even more, I didn’t and don’t need your approval of me after all. The simple fact is I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and neither are you. No one is. That’s ok.

I apologize that it took this long to see the reality of our imitation of a friendship. I’ve spent 4 years painstakingly avoiding the topic of you in conversations and panicking when you do inevitably get mentioned.

It’s time to let you go. I don’t know how long it’ll take but this is my goodbye letter to you, to the approval I so desperately craved, and to the friendship I wish we could have had in another timeline.

Sincerely,

Me

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