Letter #2: Continuation of The Past Persists: Forgiving
Where do I even begin? You unexpectedly entered my life, befriended me, and then not even two years later vanished without so much as a whisper. The short time you spent in my life was chaotic to a tee and the tidal waves you created are still felt today. You were one of my closest friends. Then one day you weren’t. Just like that. You stopped answering my texts, ignored my approach in social situations, and surely enough never showed up again all together. If it weren’t for the fact that I see you in passing I’d think something awful happened to you. I won’t lie, life without you has been more peaceful.
I defended your name and intentions left and right only to discover that you were indeed as destructive and forceful as many said you were. Despite your chaotic, demanding nature I understood your reasons. I understood your plight having seen it first hand before in another friendship. I still do today.
I tried reaching out. I tried giving you space. I tried everything I knew to show you that your friendship was valuable to me. At some point though, my efforts morphed. My intentions no longer mattered because you saw them as toxic or at least I can only assume so. You once said to me “toxic people deserve no notice before you cut them out of your life completely”. We were talking about a mutual acquaintance I thought. Looking back, was that your way of warning me? Was that your attempt to tell me you felt like I was toxic to you somehow?
In any case, I’m sorry if I hurt you or invalidated you in some way and wish you had let me at least apologize before vanishing into thin air. Perhaps though it’s better this way. I suspect that nothing I said could have saved our dying friendship by the time you left.
I was so angry that you could just toss me away at your own convenience. Bitter that after everything, I was so utterly unimportant to you that I didn’t even get a “we can’t be friends” breakup text. It hurt uncovering the bed of lies you had been weaving while you were here and to watch our friendship unravel as I found out the truths behind every action you had done in that time.
I have to forgive you though. Not for you, for me. For my own sanity. I have to let you go so I can move on from this hurt. I’ll never know why or what you meant by it all. Maybe you literally just didn’t notice what you caused with your recklessness and abrasive actions. Maybe you were oblivious. Who knows?
I’m accepting that you’re gone and happier without my friendship and I should be so without yours. I learned not all friendships are meant to last, some are meant to teach us something about ourselves or the world and then end. You did just that. So thank you I suppose.